(An imagined dialogue between Timothy Geithner and John Maynard Keynes)


INT. ROOM 58 PENTAGON -- NIGHT

Timothy Geithner stands above a table, looking over the body of John Maynard Keynes. An Army officer pulls a few levers on a wall of instruments, and Keynes miraculously awakes.

Geithner approaches Keynes.

GEITHNER
Mr. Keynes. Mr. Keynes, thank you very much for, um...

KEYNES
Who are you? Where am I?

GEITHNER
Mr. Keynes, My name is Timothy Geithner, and-

KEYNES
American?

GEITHNER
Yes. I’m the U.S. Treasury Secretary. And-

KEYNES
Treasury Secretary? I thought I was-

GEITHNER
Dead?

KEYNES
Yes.

GEITHNER
You are.

KEYNES
So this is...is this Heaven?

GEITHNER
No, it’s not, it’s-

KEYNES
Not the other!

GEITHNER
No, no, no. You’re, um...back.

KEYNES
Back?

GEITHNER
I’ve brought you back. To earth. It’s the year 2009.

KEYNES
You’ve brought me back from the-

GEITHNER
Yes.

KEYNES
How?

GEITHNER
It’s top secret classified, I can’t really...I can put you back when we’re done.

KEYNES
When we’re done?

GEITHNER
I have some questions. I need some advice.

KEYNES
On what?

GEITHNER
Well, as I said, I’m the U.S. Treasury Secretary, and at the moment we’re facing a severe global economic crisis.

KEYNES
And what have I to do with it?

GEITHNER
Everything, actually. All of our economic policies are based on your work, Mr. Keynes.

KEYNES
Let’s get a few things straight, shall we? First of all, my surname is pronounced “CAINS.”

GEITHNER
Apologies Mr. Cains-

KEYNES
And you may address me as “Your Lordship”—does a barony no longer count for anything in the 21st Century?

GEITHNER
Sorry, Your Lordship.

LORD KEYNES
A global recession, you say?

GEITHNER
Yes.

LORD KEYNES
Milty and his band at it again?

GEITHNER
Milty? Oh, you mean Milton Friedman? He died in 2006.

LORD KEYNES
Well then why don't you bring him back?

GEITHNER
It’s kind of his-

LORD KEYNES
Precisely. And let me guess as to the nature of your problem. Increasing unemployment; decreasing production; currencies debauched; lowered aggregate demand?

GEITHNER
Basically.

LORD KEYNES
And what started all this?

GEITHNER
It’s complicated.

LORD KEYNES
Sir, I was educated at Eton and King’s. I was a protégé of Alfred Marshall, himself. I’ve sparred with Wittgenstein and Russell. I invented economics. There’s nothing that I don’t-

GEITHNER
It was our fault.

LORD KEYNES
There it is. The Americans, as always. Must have been some over-inflated, under-regulated financial scheme, I suspect.

GEITHNER
So what do we do?

LORD KEYNES
Spend.

GEITHNER
Spend?

LORD KEYNES
Yes, spend. Spend everything.

GEITHNER
That’s it?

LORD KEYNES
That is it.

GEITHNER
Sir-

LORD KEYNES
“Your Lordship.”

GEITHNER
Your Lordship, we’re in a global financial crisis. And as Treasury Secretary I have a lot of discretion and power, but it’s all...incredibly complicated, and I haven’t fully imagined the global stage, so to speak. So I’m here asking you for advice. What should I do?

LORD KEYNES
Don’t hold onto a shilling. Spend everything.

GEITHNER
But no one has any money left.

LORD KEYNES
You represent the Treasury, yes?

GEITHNER
Yes.

LORD KEYNES
So print more.

GEITHNER
We plan to, but I’m worried it won’t be enough.

LORD KEYNES
How much?

GEITHNER
About a...trillion, U.S.

LORD KEYNES
A trillion dollars?!

Timothy Geithner looks down at the floor.

GEITHNER
We could print more, but then, in the long run-

LORD KEYNES
In the long run, we’re all-

GEITHNER
Dead?

Lord Keynes eyes Geithner suspiciously.

LORD KEYNES
If this is as pressing a concern as you claim, Mr. Geithner, you need to stop consulting dead economists and get on with it. I’ve said all I’ve needed to say in my books-

GEITHNER
General Theory?

LORD KEYNES
And Theory of Money. Brush up on those, and you should do fine.

GEITHNER
But, the problem, you see, is that I’m- I’m new to the job.

LORD KEYNES
You don’t say.

GEITHNER
And I’ve barely a staff at the moment. I need to come up with some specific solutions. Fast. And...

LORD KEYNES
You’ve made some mistakes?

GEITHNER
Yes.

LORD KEYNES
Recently?

Geithner again looks down at the floor.

LORD KEYNES
Well then, my advice to you is simple. And it’s something I’ve said at least once before.

GEITHNER
Which is?

LORD KEYNES
“There is no harm in being sometimes wrong—especially if one is promptly found out.”

GEITHNER
But-

LORD KEYNES
And now I think it’s time for me to get back to the, um, “long run,” as it were.

Exit Lord Keynes.